cutting peoms

I cut because I need to get rid of pain that I am in.
I cut because it hurts other people.
I cut because it scares my friends.
I cut because it could kill me.

Is it all worth this? Does God want me to cut, or does he want me to cry for his help?

I cry every night, thinking of the hell I am in, knowing I don’t have everything I want in life.
My dad thinks I am happy, and I brainwash me and everybody around me that I am. I tell God in every prayer that I am happy, but is that really the truth? Is Satan just taking over my mind and soul, and bringing me slowly into hell?

I dream every night that I am living in paradise. That there are actually people that care, and that they love me so much, and my mother is there, not drinking, but actually happy.

I pray for happiness.
I pray that I’ll stop cutting.
I pray for my friends.
I pray that I can understand.

God hears me ever night, when I am crying, and praying.
He looks at me, and says, when the time is right.
I have this feeling deep down inside, that my cutting will eventually be useful.
Not for me, but for the people around me. They will get a miracle from it.
They don’t believe that I can survive from cutting.

I cry because I am lost and lonely.
I cry because I have no love from anybody.
I cry because I hurt, deep down inside my broken heart.
I cry because I dont see anything good in life.
I cry because suicide keeps possessing me.

They don’t understand nobody does.
They look at me like I am really happy.
They look at me, like nothing could be wrong.
But why does she fake this smile, God wonders.
But why doesn’t she come to me for answer, God asks himself.

I can’t face reality.I can’t face other people.
I can’t face the fact things will never be different.
I can’t face the fact that God will eventually help her, but not now.
I can’t believe that she fakes this smile.
I can’t believe people believe the smile.

I am in pain, but does anybody care?
I am in despair, but does that mean I should cut?
I am in anger, but is cutting my choice, or some demon possessing me?

I see that I am fat.
I see that I am in pain.
I see you looking my way.
I see you searching for answers.
I see my poor faith.
I see my problems are getting worse.
I see that I can DIE.

People say that I am not fat.
People say that I am happy.
People say they are not looking at me for answers.
People say I have good faith.
People say my problems ARE indeed getting worse.
People say I need help.
People say they don’t want me dying.

I don’t believe that I am not fat.
I don’t believe that I am happy.
I don’t believe that they aren’t looking at me for answers.
I don’t believe I have good faith.
I don’t believe I need help.
I don’t believe they don’t want me dying.

They all scream for my safety.
They all are praying that I some how get better.
They all know I will die eventually.
They all say it matters to them.
They all say getting help is important.

I must get help I know. I know I am not right. I know that God is watching, silently over me. I know I have an angel that is guarding me. I could have been dead, more than five times already, but God got me out, miraculously. I know this because there really was no way for me to know how to get out. He has kept me safe, from the day I was born, and I owe it all to him. I want Jesus to take control over my life. He has kept me safe, and that is a start. Jesus take cutting from my life. Let me forget it exists. I need your help now!

Jesus take control of my life.
Jesus take the wheel from my hands.
I pray to you Jesus!
I need you Jesus!
Jesus take care of me.
Jesus help me stop.
I need you Now more then ever!

I can’t do this on my own.
I can’t live any longer without you!
My life is torn apart.
It got broken when I was young.
I need your love.
I need people to show me their concern.

Bleeding is a sight.
A sight that can’t leave me alone.
I love watching the blood flow.
It satisfies me now more than ever.
Is it the answer?
Is this my destined death calling?

I know that people are concerned. I know God wants me to stop. I know that he has been keeping me from death this long. I know I need help. I want God to help me through this, but I haven’t let him do it yet. Can I really let it go? Can I stop I want to let it go?

Jesus I pray to you now, I pray that my life will be restored, I pray that I will be happy, I pray that my friends will be there for me, I pray that you will help me through this. I know I gotta change, I know I gotta take control myself over my life. I know you can help, I know you are really there, watching over me, I can pin point the times you helped me. I need to stop, I don’t want to die from this! Jesus help me. Amen.